You

I saw you there today in the parking lot. You seemed a shadow of your former self. You had changed after such a short time, but was it really you I saw?  You seemed to wanted to connect, but had lost your way along the path of life.

It wasn't all your fault. After all you had seen drama before. For decades, from your youth you had seen it. Significant other standing by close, but distant. Yes, for all the trials you faced I conclude you were happier then, you were happier even two years ago. Your reasons for walking away only you can judge in your consciousness. You left afraid, alone, and still in your convictions. But somewhere along the way you traded in who you are for a facade. You saw unhappiness where there was none. You saw your own choices, but seemed unwilling to face the consequences. You had it all.

As you stood there face shadowed by your sunglasses, it was what you said, or more what you didn't say. It was what you wore and were not wearing. You by instinct wanted to be close, but due to protocol you stood aloof, wondering, fumbling for words.

You have said a few things since that day you said no more. You told me people can't change, but yet change happened before you. You said happiness comes in finding yourself, striking out on your own. But was anyone ever really stopping you?

Yes you have changed as have I. We are not the same people we were back then. We once were allies, now opposed. Friends divided themselves along with the goods, though some through miracles remained true.

You want to connect with who you really are. You want the happiness back, but not the heartache. You think that there are no good men out there, or so you told me. But you didn't see you had a good man. He was flawed, he was imperfect, he needed help on some major issues.

But as you sat across the courtroom this time you were opposite the man you once held. Yes the child between us exchanged hands, but you had a slightly different look. A look that maybe....things could still be there. You'd never admit this and I can't fault you for that.

You have to look ahead no matter what. But there is no past between us anymore. Just some loose ends to settle. You want to connect but, you see, I have changed also. Two people have emerged from the ashes, yet connected by four souls.

Yes, I have moved on. What is moving on? Is it a timetable? Is it the wrong crowd? Is it regret? I think that is for you and I to decide. You see, when you change your true identity for that which is a fraud, and live the lie, only some illusion of happiness is present.

I know. I have walked the walk and continue to do so. Yes you can have a future with the one you loved before the split, court, pending court and odd encounters.  Hard work is required, but anything is possible, with God.

But you stood aloof in that parking lot today, changed yes, but from one who knows you well, not truly happy. I write down my observations for others to read, so they may learn from my view.

You will probably never read this, and it will be hidden in plain sight for your sake. But I owned up to my mistakes and in time will own up to them all. It is part of moving forward. We cannot move back.  We have already begun a new relationship. What is it who can say? But down there somewhere is the true you wanting to come out, to return to happiness. Only pride and bitterness get in your way. See as I write my observations of you I also write them of me.

In processing you through my eyes, I see a mirror of myself.  Our son once told me, almost with anger that it brought him pleasure to see me estranged from him. Funny how that brings happiness. I think it brings pain. Because yes I suffer at his loss and yours. But that would happen had you died or our estranged one.

But the void can never be filled. I can love another and you can too. But in the end are you trading your core self for that of the rude, crude, bitch when that is not who you are. Like a good Hollywood actor that sees good in themselves as a weakness and so they express it in their careers by taking on roles that truly only exploit them rather than enrich them.

I have seen myself time and again in this strange dance we do again mirrored in the one I love, but even love changes with time. That is a good thing and it has some pain. All love does I suppose. But you standing aloof as I was void of true emotion, suppressed for business sake, leaves me with one thought and question. Are you really happier now than when you were miserable with me?